Jack And Jill Plays - Part 65 - Fun

Fun
by Adam Szymkowicz

(JACK, JILL, DICK and JANE around a table, drinking.)

DICK
We should do this more.

JACK
I know!

JANE
I'm always saying that.

JILL
I always say that.  I'm like, Jack, When can we have Dick and Jane over again?!

JACK
I know.

DICK
It gets busy.  Time passes.  Not this weekend, next weekend or next weekend.  And then.

JANE
Months pass.

JILL
Years.

JANE
Not years.

JILL
Too much time.

JACK
Too much!

DICK and JANE
Too much!

JACK
To friends!

DICK, JANE, JILL
Friends!

(They clink glasses.)

JACK
It's always fun with you two!

JILL
So fun!

DICK
Yeah.  It's too bad we're getting a divorce.

JILL
What?

DICK
Yeah.

JANE
Sorry.  It's just not fun any more.  For us.  At home.

DICK
We talked about it and I get you in the divorce.

JANE
We've divided up our friends.

JACK, JILL
Oh.

DICK
You're disappointed.

JILL
It's just that we always liked Jane.

JACK
Yeah.  She's our favorite.

DICK
But I got you in the divorce.

JACK
Yeah.  Totally.  I know.  It's just.

JILL
We like her better.

JACK
A lot better.

DICK
But we did all those man things together, watching sports and talking about tires and blue jeans and butts.

JACK
I know and I liked that.  I just feel like Jane gets me.

JILL
She gets me too.

DICK
Oh.

JACK
Maybe you could just not get divorced.

JANE
Oh, we're getting divorced.

DICK
Sure are.

JILL
Can't we still be friends with you both?

DICK
That's not going to work.

JACK
Won't it?

JANE
No.  Sorry.  We hate each other so much.

DICK
So much.

JANE
So much.

JILL
Well, you hide it really well.

JACK
To hiding it well!

(JACK and JILL raise their glasses.  The other two look at them.)

DICK
I'm going to go.

JACK
No, don't go.

DICK
I have a headache.  I have work in the morning.  I'm just really uncomfortable and depressed.

JILL
Well, okay.  Seeya next time.

JACK
We'll do it again soon.

JILL
Soon.

JACK
Soon.

(Exit DICK.)

JILL
So we can see you in secret, right?

JANE
We'll figure something out.  I guess I get you in the divorce after all.

JACK
To winning.

JANE, JILL
Winning.

(They toast.  They drink.  They get sad.)

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Jack And Jill Plays - Part 64 - Down

a short one.  ask me should you wish to use it for something.

DOWN
by Adam Szymkowicz

(A bar.  JACK and JILL sit near each other.  They drink.)

JILL
All right?

JACK
I'm kinda down.

JILL
Yeah.

JACK
I feel bad.

JILL
Yeah.

JACK
Really bad.

JILL
Okay.

JACK
Just terrible. What if I'm never happy again?

JILL
Well, that's always possible.

JACK
Is it?

JILL
Sure.  But probably that won't be what happens.

JACK
No?

JILL
Probably.

JACK
Sorry.  I'm Jack.

JILL
Hi Jack.  I'm Jill.

JACK
Nice to meet you.

JILL
Nice to meet you too.

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Jack and Jill Plays - Part 63 - So

yet another play.  please talk to me if you should wish to use this for something.

So
by Adam Szymkowicz

(JACK on stage.  Bars appear before him.  He is in Jail.)

JACK
Thank you for coming.  It's been a whirlwind.  Truly an honor.  People ask me.  They say, "Jack, how do you do it?"  Well, today, I'm here to tell you all my secrets.  I don't want to say it's easy to be me and to do all the things I've done.  But with practice and persistence, you too can accomplish what I managed to accomplish in a few simple steps.  But you have to believe in yourself.  And you have to trust your worst instincts.

How to find yourself in jail, Part 1: The Awakening.  First maybe there is something in your life that you know you shouldn't do.  This is maybe something you also really want to do.  It might be physical violence or illegal drugs.  It might be grand theft auto or bank robbery.  Or maybe it's stealing gnomes from people's yards.  So the first thing is that even though you know you shouldn't do this, you do this thing.  And then you do it again.  And again.  And again.  Until you have like a lot of gnomes.  Like a whole lot.  Like someone might come over and see them and go, "Why do you have so many gnomes?  What can someone even do with that many gnomes?  Why would you do this"

And maybe there's no easy answer.  Except you know, the normal ones.  Bad childhood.  Hole inside you nothing will fill.  Sexual deviancy.

And then one day, you're a little sloppy and someone sees you and recognizes you and then the cops are there asking questions.  And you answer the questions truthfully because at the end of the day, you just want it to be over and as they say, light is the best disinfectant.  I also like white vinegar because it's non-toxic and I don't mind the smell.  So the cops are there with their guns and their badges and their serious faces and they ask you point blank.  So you bring them out to the shed and they say, "Holy shit," and then they take you for a ride.  And that's why I'm here.  So.  That. Is. How.

But you may ask, "What next?" "What are your future plans now that this exciting project has come to an end?" and I have to admit, I don't really know.  I never thought that far.  It's a relief and also, you know of course I don't feel any better, at all.  So... So ...So.  So.  Sob.


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Jack And Jill Plays - Part 62 - Mountain

new play.  all rights reserved.

Mountain
by Adam Szymkowicz

(A mountain of books.  JACK and JILL climb up the mountain.  they slide down.  They climb up.  they slide down.  JACK sits at the bottom and begins to read a book that has fallen open.  JILL continues to climb and slide down.)

JACK
Someday.  It'll all be over.

JILL
No.

(JILL continues to climb.)

 
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Jack And Jill Plays - Part 61 - And Then Jill

another short play.  talk to me before doing anything with it.


And Then Jill
by Adam Szymkowicz

JACK
And the sun came out.

SUN
Hi.  I'm the sun.

JACK
And the sun revolved around her.

(SUN walks slowly around JILL.)

JILL
Hey stop that.

JACK
And the stars came out.

STARS
Hi.  We're the stars.

JACK
And they sang to her.

STARS
Twinkle Twinkle Little Us
How I wonder what's the fuss

JILL
Yeah. okay.  But.  No.

JACK
And the birds came out.

BIRDS
We're the birds.

JACK
And they said her name.

BIRDS
Jill-Jill Jill-Jill.

JILL
Can we stop now.

JACK
And she smiled.  And then everything stopped.

(Everyone freezes.  JILL smiles, or doesn't.  Everyone exits.)

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Jack And Jill Plays - Part 60 - Trust

Trust
by Adam Szymkowicz

(LOCKSMITH changing a lock.  JILL watches.)

LOCKSMITH
Almost done.

JILL
Thanks!

LOCKSMITH
No problem.  I should give you a punchcard.

JILL
I know.  I know.  How many before I get one free?

LOCKSMITH
Let's call this one free.

JILL
I was kidding.  You don't have to do that.

LOCKSMITH
(Handing her the keys.)
Look.  I shouldn't say this but . . .

JILL
Then don't say it.

LOCKSMITH
You're right.  Sorry.

JILL
No.  Go ahead.  Go ahead.  Say what you want to say.

LOCKSMITH
It's none of my business but maybe you don't need to give each new boyfriend your house keys.

JILL
Yeah.

LOCKSMITH
I mean it's none of my business.

JILL
I always think, thins time it will be different.  But then it doesn't work out.  And then - -

LOCKSMITH
You don't trust them to just give the keys back?

JILL
I might be bad at choosing men.

LOCKSMITH
We all have our flaws.

JILL
I'll think about it.  I want to trust.  I do.

LOCKSMITH
Sure.

JILL
Maybe next time, I'll wait longer.  Maybe he can wait outside.

LOCKSMITH
Sure.

JILL
But probably I'll just make the same mistakes over and over.

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Jack And Jill Plays - Part 59 - Everyone

play by me.  ask me before doing anything with it.


EVERYONE
by Adam Szymkowicz

(JILL is on her phone.)

EVERYONE
Hey!  Hey! Pay attention to me.

JILL
Yeah, totally.  Sorry everybody.  Um, I just have to um . . .

EVERYONE
Pay attention to me now!  I'm not fucking around!

JILL
I can't do everything all the time!

EVERYONE
You have to do more.

JILL
I know.

EVERYONE
A lot more.

JILL
Fuck.  I'm going to smash my head in with a rock?

EVERYONE
What?  Don't do that.  Fine.  You're enough.  You're almost enough.

JILL
You're lying.

EVERYONE
Why don't you shut off your phone.

(JILL shuts off her phone.  She looks around.  There is no one anywhere.)



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Jack And Jill Plays - Part 58 - A Lot Of Gnomes

a play by me.  Ask me before doing anything with it.

A Lot Of Gnomes
by Adam Szymkowicz

(JACK watching TV.  Enter JILL.)

JILL
Are we bad people?

JACK
No.

JILL
But what if we are?

JACK
I don't feel like I am.

JILL
What about me?

JACK
You too.

JILL
Okay but we have stupid lives, right?

JACK
Yeah.

JILL
Okay.  At least there's that.

(JILL eats a banana.  They watch TV.)

JACK
Oh and you should know I've been stealing garden gnomes from the surrounding towns for the last five years.  So if a cop shows up someday, don't let them in the shed.

JILL
Good to know.

JACK
There are a lot of gnomes.  Really a lot of gnomes.


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